In the past 10 weeks we have not only been required to continue on with our day to day lives without the piece that we had longed for and planned for since last fall, but we have also had to face a few holidays on the way. Now some may think that the holidays should follow on just like all of the other ordinary days since the passing of our son; however, the overwhelming feeling that our baby should have been there and the ordinarily special happenings of the such occasions should most definitely trump those thoughts.
May 13, 2012. Mother's Day-- A day where mothers are celebrated by others for their awe-inspiring ability to love and care for their child(ren)--A day to honor mothers for all of their everyday sacrifices to keep their child(ren) happy and safe. How ironic.
It had been approximately 2 weeks since the silent birth of our dearest baby. I woke up knowing that it would be a "rough day", for lack of better words. It was a day that I knew I should be happy and celebrating with my Lyla, but how was that possible when I was mourning my Wyatt?
We had traveled to Ky to spend the day with family. Waylon surprised me with a very nice camera as a gift, and I was truly excited. He was trying his best to make the day about me, even though all either of us could think about was the missing piece to our famliy- our son.
At the end of mass that morning all of the mothers were asked to go forward and receive a carnation as a small token of love and appreciation from the church. I kept telling myself that I was still a mother and that I deserve the flower, but upon walking up the aisle all I could think about was our baby boy and how I should have been celebrating Mother's Day with my TWO children. It was all still too fresh. My tears were unrelenting.
Isn't a trip to the cemetery to visit your child on the top of every mother's list for such holidays? NO? Well, it was for me. I left my corsage on his grave and left with tear-filled eyes, left with empty arms, and left with a still broken heart.
We spent the afternoon at Waylon's mom's with his sisters and nieces and nephews. I felt so sad, but tried to put on a happy face, as to not ruin anyone else's day. After all, they are all great mothers and deserved to have a day full of happiness and love. I tried with my everything to not let sadness take over my day, but it pulled on my heart to see Waylon playing football with his nephews--I wanted so badly for him to have his own little boy to do those sort of things with.
As we drove back to TN that afternoon we drove right into a rainstorm. It seemed rather appropriate--the tears that had fallen from our eyes certainly matched the drops pouring down from the dark clouds. In the middle of the rain, and in the middle of our sorrows a rainbow appeared in the sky. A full, bright rainbow stretched across the interstate in front of us bringing with it a small calm for me. My Wyatt was coaxing me to smile on Mother's Day.
June 17, 2012. Father's Day-- A day where daddies are shown appreciation for their devotion of time, support, love, and knowledge in all things involving their child(ren). A day that will now be added to the long list of days that I will have to picture my son being there--only to know in my heart that he never will be.
Once again, we trekked to Ky to spend the day with family. And once again, the church asked the special parents to stand and be recognized. It is a nice gesture, don't get me wrong. But do you know how difficult it is for a newly bereaved father to stand with empty, shaking arms that should have been cradling his infant son and accept a gift for being the very person he longed to be each and every day to his son? Not easy. And its also not easy to be the wife watching it all through glassy eyes.
We took another trip to Wyatt's resting place after church that day. We cried. and cried. and cried. and cried.
The remainder of the afternoon was spent at my grandparent's house. Waylon played with Lyla until the sun began to set and I sat in on everyone else's conversations...silently thinking, "Our son should be here."
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