Chasing Rainbows

This very time last year I was approximately 29 weeks pregnant with our little boy and anticipating our "perfect" life as a family of four with our princess and prince. And, well, you know the rest of the story...

Currently, a new chapter is beginning in our lives, and we are hoping that this one has a much happier ending than the last. However, this chapter is starting off with more twists, turns, bumps, and tears than the last started with.  As seasoned (much better word than damaged) characters we have been forced to  broaden our senses,  be more leery of our thoughts, and be more careful to think out our actions than in previous chapters of our lives. Our hopes are high, but our expectations are low. 

You see, we have lost our innocence that we once had...that we actually had just last year.

The loss of my innocence is often deafening...screaming out true possibilities and worst nightmares all while I'm working ever so fervently to focus on the positives and live with the passion and love that once was visible from the outside.

I long for the innocence of planning ahead and candidly discussing the future.

I miss the innocence of strolling through the baby aisles of a store and gently stroking a precious newborn outfit while picturing my sweet baby.

I ache for the innocence of thinking that "good things happen to good people" and "bad things happen to bad people"

My chest tightens when I hear of women having baby showers and decorating nurseries for their unborn babies...don't they know it's not promised?! I miss being one of these women. I truly do.

I yearn for the innocence in many things since losing our Wyatt, but today, I miss the innocence in pregnancy the most.

Today I am 25 weeks pregnant with our third child.

This time around has already proven to be very different.  I have been frightened to share our good news for fear of jinxing myself...because I now know that you are not always "safe" once you're out of the first trimester, or the second, for that matter. I have been referred to a maternal and fetal medicine specialist along with my regular OB. I have ten times more visits, ultrasounds, and tests scheduled for this pregnancy. Even though things appear to be going smoothly, I live with the fear of how much could actually go wrong, daily.

I want to be the old me.... I want to be the ME who didn't think twice about baby loss. I want to be the ME that daydreamed about what life would be like after her precious child was born. I want to be the ME who wasn't afraid to prepare a nursery or buy baby items in anticipation of the new little one. I want to be the ME who thoughtlessly uploaded BABY update apps to her phone and so eagerly read them in advance. I want to be the ME who excitedly discussed her pregnancy with other mommy's to be so easily. I want to be the ME who dreaded labor and delivery because of the "pain." HA, that "pain" is no comparison to the pain of burying your child.

I could care less about the nausea, tiredness, back aches, leg cramps, blotchy skin, weight gain, etc. I just want to hold my living, breathing, baby.

Because of my experiences, I am aware of the possibilities. With that said, I am truly trying my best to enjoy every kick, every pound gained, and every heartbeat heard. I am fighting off the anxiety while creating a secret door for the joy to enter and set up camp where it justly belongs.

Minute by minute. Breath by breath.


"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm.
When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Rainbow Pictures

19 weeks

 Baby # 3 @ 14 weeks

Baby # 3 @ almost 19 weeks

Baby # 3 telling Mommy that he/she loves her :)

 

Baby #3 waving (24 weeks)

 

24 weeks (face)

 

baby bump #3 (25 weeks)

 

"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, I just want a baby."- Big Sister Lyla

 

 

This is where we are...chasing our rainbow.

 

Party Planning

Well, it's that time folks....time for me to plan the 1st birthday celebration of my little boy.

You might be thinking, "What in the world is she talking about?' And you have every right to be wondering, because, no, my son is not physically here to take part in his very own first birthday hoorah, but this momma will take this rare parenting opportunity to honor her son and remember his life on the anniversary of his birth and death.

I won't be needing to buy intense themed decorations, to book a location, to find a birthday outfit for the birthday boy, to plan and prepare elaborate party food and games, or to make sure he has that very special "smash" cake that is the highlight of every infant's transition into the world of toddler hood.

But this celebration will be about HIM, and will be planned to honor his life as well as support a great organization along the way.

So here's the rough plan:

My goal is to host a small balloon release in April at the cemetery where Wyatt is buried. Invites will be sent out closer to the time of the event, but of course, anyone is welcome to attend. Instead of a birthday outfit for the baby, shirts will be designed and ordered ahead of time for everyone to wear on Wyatt's special day.  If you think that you would be interested in purchasing a shirt or shirts email me at kdforgey@gmail.com and I will be sure to send out prices once I have gotten a quote.I am hopeful that family will participate in a few guitar-lead songs including the most important: Happy Birthday. Guests will be encouraged to write messages on their balloons before we all simultaneously release them into the sky and watch them float their way up to Heaven. As a nice treat, cupcakes and/or cookies will be served at the celebration as well. Anyone willing to speak to the group about how Wyatt has touched their lives will be encouraged to do so...and I'm sure this momma will have a few words to share. If you wish to be at the celebration, but are unable to attend, you may send a letter or card to be read aloud or a note to be placed on a balloon as well.

Calling all photographers!! If you are around the Fancy Farm area and would like to be apart of Wyatt's celebration by sharing your photography skills please email me! :)

Now, I mentioned an organization earlier in this entry. Remember those penny jars we've all been working to fill with our found pennies? Well, I have an idea...there's this organization called Molly Bears. It is a nonprofit organization that makes teddy bears of the exact weight of babies for families who have lost babies. I am now on the wait list for my Wyatt bear (it could take up to 14 months). The organization runs completely off of donations and the more money they receive, the more bears they can produce! So, back to the penny jars...in honor of Wyatt's 1st angelversary I wish to provide you with the idea of donating your penny jar collections (or more!!) to the Molly Bears foundation. The organization also accepts donations of (new) teddy bears for their efforts.  Wyatt may not be here to open his own gifts, but can you just imagine the looks on the faces of mothers and fathers as they open a package to find their "Molly" bear?!

Molly Bears Website

Closer to time, I will provide more information on how to do so, but for now, this is all food for thought....so let me know what you think...