This very time last year I was approximately 29 weeks pregnant with our little boy and anticipating our "perfect" life as a family of four with our princess and prince. And, well, you know the rest of the story...
Currently, a new chapter is beginning in our lives, and we are hoping that this one has a much happier ending than the last. However, this chapter is starting off with more twists, turns, bumps, and tears than the last started with. As seasoned (much better word than damaged) characters we have been forced to broaden our senses, be more leery of our thoughts, and be more careful to think out our actions than in previous chapters of our lives. Our hopes are high, but our expectations are low.
You see, we have lost our innocence that we once had...that we actually had just last year.
The loss of my innocence is often deafening...screaming out true possibilities and worst nightmares all while I'm working ever so fervently to focus on the positives and live with the passion and love that once was visible from the outside.
I long for the innocence of planning ahead and candidly discussing the future.
I miss the innocence of strolling through the baby aisles of a store and gently stroking a precious newborn outfit while picturing my sweet baby.
I ache for the innocence of thinking that "good things happen to good people" and "bad things happen to bad people"
My chest tightens when I hear of women having baby showers and decorating nurseries for their unborn babies...don't they know it's not promised?! I miss being one of these women. I truly do.
I yearn for the innocence in many things since losing our Wyatt, but today, I miss the innocence in pregnancy the most.
Today I am 25 weeks pregnant with our third child.
This time around has already proven to be very different. I have been frightened to share our good news for fear of jinxing myself...because I now know that you are not always "safe" once you're out of the first trimester, or the second, for that matter. I have been referred to a maternal and fetal medicine specialist along with my regular OB. I have ten times more visits, ultrasounds, and tests scheduled for this pregnancy. Even though things appear to be going smoothly, I live with the fear of how much could actually go wrong, daily.
I want to be the old me.... I want to be the ME who didn't think twice about baby loss. I want to be the ME that daydreamed about what life would be like after her precious child was born. I want to be the ME who wasn't afraid to prepare a nursery or buy baby items in anticipation of the new little one. I want to be the ME who thoughtlessly uploaded BABY update apps to her phone and so eagerly read them in advance. I want to be the ME who excitedly discussed her pregnancy with other mommy's to be so easily. I want to be the ME who dreaded labor and delivery because of the "pain." HA, that "pain" is no comparison to the pain of burying your child.
I could care less about the nausea, tiredness, back aches, leg cramps, blotchy skin, weight gain, etc. I just want to hold my living, breathing, baby.
Because of my experiences, I am aware of the possibilities. With that said, I am truly trying my best to enjoy every kick, every pound gained, and every heartbeat heard. I am fighting off the anxiety while creating a secret door for the joy to enter and set up camp where it justly belongs.
Minute by minute. Breath by breath.
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm.
When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
Rainbow Pictures
19 weeks
Baby # 3 @ 14 weeks
Baby # 3 @ almost 19 weeks
Baby # 3 telling Mommy that he/she loves her :)
Baby #3 waving (24 weeks)
24 weeks (face)
baby bump #3 (25 weeks)
"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, I just want a baby."- Big Sister Lyla
This is where we are...chasing our rainbow.
Hi Krystal, I am Shawn and Jenn's Aunt B. I have been following your story. I am very happy for you and wish you all the best with your new pregnancy. You are very strong. It is so heartbreaking to lose a child. My son Tommy was a twin, I did not know the other baby had died until birth. I had two of everything at home :(. It took many, many years to deal with the loss. It will hit you at unexpected times. When I was enrolling Tommy in kindergarten, I totally lost it cuz there should have been two boys. Tommy will be 33 this year and the pain is a distant memory. But it took a long time. Love, Debbie
ReplyDeleteHi, I found your blog via stillbirthday.com - my first baby was stillborn at 39 weeks, and while I'm not pregnant again yet (her birth was only 5 weeks ago), a lot of what you have written echoes with me. I hadn't thought of it in terms of "lost innocence", but that is very true.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for always sharing your story and struggles, you are always in my prayers and my baby is a constant reminder that things could have been so different... He reminds me of Wyatt, daily. I am so much more appreciative of him and you helped me be aware. Most mothers are not aware of what could be!! Prayers continue for you, and may God continue to mend you and your family.
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