One moment life is wonderful and full of love and hope, and within seconds all of that can be shattered into a million pieces. Pieces so tiny and confusing that one is left on the ground amongst the broken bits trying to piece them together again...but where's the glue? Who's to say that another storm with huge gusts of wind won't just come along and ruin your progress?
Nothing in this world is promised.
It has almost been 4 months. Time is moving on. The condolences have slowly stopped and everyone has continued on with their daily lives. Most days are okay. We are existing...but that's not an easy task. The puzzle pieces are finding their way back together, but they are not secure. I'm not sure they ever will be. Everyday is a new journey. Everyday is still full of tears.
I realized today that I am still very bitter. I'm bitter and selfish. I'm angry that our life was put into a blender and I just want my baby.
I've heard just about every sweet (and full of good meaning, I'm sure) comment about why God chose MY baby to take and MY family to face this storm. "He doesn't give you more than you can handle." (Am I superwoman and didn't know it?) "He only gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers." (So is everyone who has never felt this way weak?) "Everything happens for a reason." (cringe). I could go on and on. And I get it. I realize that most people are confused about the right things to say in such situations or have no clue what it feels like to have something so precious taken from them, but patronization is not the way to go. Some of the most comforting words from people after our loss have been simple, "I'm sorry." "I can't even imagine." and bluntly, but truthfully stated, "This sucks." Yep. This sucks.
It sucks because I put in my time for this baby. It sucks because I was teased with the thoughts of a perfect little family for over 9 months. It sucks because I never got to feel his warm breath on my neck. It sucks because our daughter has had to learn life lessons WAY too early. It sucks because everyone looks at me differently (it's okay, I would too). It sucks because I feel guilty for talking about our loss because I don't want to drag others down with me. It sucks because I have a fear of getting my hopes up for anything anymore..and I mean anything. It sucks because I feel like I can't do enough for our lil man. My arms are bound...but my heart is not.
My heart continues to mend after basically being ripped from my chest and thrown into a garbage disposal. I'm afraid to work too hard on putting it back together because I don't know where the damn glue to keep it together is.
It sucks that we parent for the future, like what bottles prevent gas and colic, what diapers are better, formula or breastfeed, because we don't realize that often times these questions that we ask ourselves for 9-10 months are no longer relevant. And although I have never suffered such loss and was lucky to have a healthy baby just weeks after Wyatt was born still, I have realized that nothing is promised. I think to myself this could have easily been you and why not me?! Having a healthy baby is the miracle! I love you Krystal and I pray daily for you, Waylon and Lyla!
ReplyDeletethat comment was more for others reading your blog, Krystal, I think that we both agree that people need to be educated on this topic...I myself needed to realize that this happens and nobody is "safe" and that we all need to learn to not take anything for granted!
ReplyDeleteWhen Kason was removed from me last Tuesday... His cord was around his neck twice. I immediately broke into tears for the fear of anything going wrong with him. I have been paranoid since your loss, knowing that we are not guaranteed our sweet babies. Each is a miracle to make it here safely. You were in my thoughts and tears that day in the operating room as well. How would I have handled it? Would I be able to?
ReplyDeleteAs the days have passed I began to admire u even more and also hurt for u even more! And for that I'm sorry! I continue to pray for you and your family...
ReplyDeleteI feel like your blog speaks my own thoughts for the loss of my daughter and father. I weep each time I read for myself and for you. I think of you and your precious Wyatt more times than you know. People say the dumbest things! Although I don't want to seem that I understand all your struggles I do understand bitterness at a time when I should be rejoicing that my loved ones are with the lord for eternity. Prayers for you.
ReplyDelete