Most days I sit at home (while searching for a job) and think. I think about how I should be hearing a baby's coos instead of the ticking of the clock or the pecking of the keys on the keyboard. I think about upcoming events and how I will try to handle them or let them affect me. I think about ways to continue to honor my little boy's life. I think about all the normal everyday things too like cleaning, cooking, doctors appointments, and schedules (sometimes I actually do more than just think about cleaning, :) ).
I also worry. I worry that the quietness will overcome me. I worry that upcoming events and holidays will prove to be depressing...Wyatt was suppose to be a cute little puppy dog for Halloween. I worry about how my Lyla is fairing at school. I worry that she needs her momma to help her tie her shoes or carry her lunch tray. I worry about how other kids are treating her. I worry that I worry too much.
Sometimes I beat my anxiety to the punch and do something about it. For example, I was nervous that Lyla would be made fun of or scare off friends if she mentioned that she had a little brother...in Heaven. That thought was put into my mind on the day of the "Meet the Teacher" night after I saw the name "Wyatt" placed on one of the name tags in the room. Oh boy. So, I became the mother bear and proactively emailed her teacher. I explained our situation and that we encourage Lyla to talk about Wyatt and that he is indeed a part of our family. Her teacher was very sweet and understanding in the response and to this day has shown to be very attentive with Lyla's emotional needs. She also has a son whose name is Wyatt. Maybe, she too, is a God send.
A poster was sent home with Lyla last week with instructions to complete it with the help of parents and send it back to school to display. The poster was entitled "All about Me." It requested her favorite color, food, games, and books. It inquired about her favorite activities, pets, and her family. She dictated, and I wrote. My chest tightened and tears stung my eyelids as she named the members of her family...leaving out our Wyatt. I didn't remind her, or try to correct her. This was HER project and I was simply the pencil. We finished the poster and sent it back to school. I was saddened. Saddened at the thought that she had already forgotten about her little brother...or maybe she was embarrassed.
I'm not sure what her thought process had been on that particular day, but just yesterday Lyla came home with an activity sheet. She had drawn four people and at the bottom of the paper was the sentence: "This is My Family."
A smile quickly spread across my face while the liquid escaped my eyes. She pointed to each character and explained who they were. Baby Wyatt was there...and that's who he'll always be, our baby Wyatt.
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