Looking Back-2012

To 2012-

Oh, 2012...I would like to simply say farewell and "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" but you not only brought me sorrow and pain, you somehow also managed to bring me great joys and priceless memories.

I will admit, that it is more than difficult to pick out the good in the sea of bad (and just plain awful) that you have provided me with this past year, but I will do my best to point those out.

In January I was able to celebrate my 26th birthday on this earth with my sweet husband, darling little girl, and precious little boy kicking away in my belly. I also began, what I thought would be a short stint, as a SAHM in order to spend quality time with our Lyla before she was no longer an only child and before we would send her off to school in the fall.

February brought Valentine's day...my 10th Valentine's day with my love. I remember trying to find something "cute" to wear to dinner. Hah...I was approximately 7 months pregnant...there was nothing that would look cute at that point. It was an enjoyable night, never mind the severe heartburn that accompanied the delicious dinner we shared. Waylon was promoted to Tech Sergeant in the Guard and was hopefully soon to be transferred to a base a little closer to TN.

A baby sprinkle was thrown in honor of our newest addition in March and it was nothing short of wonderful. My sister, sis-in-law, and aunts did an amazing job of helping us to prepare for what we thought was soon coming...a little boy to cuddle and take care of. I was overwhelmed with love and gifts...and so was big sister Lyla!

April, oh April, not only filled my heart with so much love that I thought it could burst, but  actually made it feel as if it did burst, and crumble into a million and one pieces. We celebrated our Easter weekend the first weekend of April in SC with friends and participated in a beautiful wedding along the way. I was far from the most elegant bridesmaid you had ever seen, seeing as to though I was 9 months pregnant, but Lyla was a perfect little flower girl. I was able to announce to the world that my little brother was going to be a daddy and was excited that our Wyatt would have someone so close to his age to play with as they grew up. Our weekly doctor's visits had commenced and our anxiety levels were rising....we would soon meet our prince; and we did. On April 24th our lives changed forever, as silence enclosed around us. We met the most perfect little boy on April 25th, and after hours of snuggling and sharing him with others, we were forced to say our goodbyes. It's like someone gave a child a bright yellow balloon and then popped it before he had time to enjoy it. April 28th marked the day that we layed our son to rest in his eternal crib. April will always be a tricky month for me....full of an array of emotions, but it will always be Wyatt's month.

In May, I celebrated (if you can call it that) my first Mother's Day as a mother of 2, only problem being there was only one in my arms that day. I quickly realized I was becoming a different person than I was just one month before. I was forced to smile as others around me brought living babies into this world and into their lives as I was left with empty arms. I searched for ways to remember and help others to remember that Wyatt's life was significant.  Lyla's smile began to be my light through the dark tunnels and Waylon celebrated his 27th birthday. Wyatt had been in Heaven for one month.

Eight years of marriage to my high school sweetheart was celebrated in June; I am so thankful for him and his beautiful heart. He carries me when I cannot seem to walk. We also came upon another difficult holiday in June: Father's Day. Oh how I wished there had been a baby boy in my husband's arms that day. In June we began to find a little sunshine in each day, as a family. We attended weddings, family gatherings, and took spontaneous family outings. All of those things may seem simple, but to someone who was just learning to live again, they were large feats. I was becoming proud of our fighting family. We were fighting off grief while still honoring our son's short life. Our angel had grown his wings 2 months prior.

July brought about more holiday celebrations, visits with family, and days full of tears. It was storming on the 4th, so our little family of three went to dinner and a movie...what a wonderful night, although the pain of the missing piece was very adamant. Lyla and I spent a lot of time in Ky with family and friends during our summer vacation. We swam, shopped, played, visited little brother, and basically relaxed, all while surrounded by an abundance of love and support. Our sweet boy celebrated his third month with Jesus.

We took a short trip to SC in August in which we visited good friends and places. We indulged in a mini vacation in the mountains on our way home to TN. I sent my baby girl off to kindergarten with a heavy heart. Waylon and I became the proud GOD parents to a sweet little girl, a little girl, who has played a big part in many of my true smiles...you know, the smiles that can be seen in the eyes? I didn't know there was a difference in types of smiles until I looked back at photos of myself taken over the previous months. Wyatt had been an angel for 4 months.

September was a busy month, to say the least. Waylon was finally transferred to a guard base (a little) closer to home. Our lovely little princess celebrated her 5th birthday  and it was a wonderful day spent with family and friends.  Sweet friends drove from SC in order to be here for Lyla's big day and she was more than happy to have them here. Wyatt made his appearance in the form of a butterfly in one of big sister's gift bags; he must've known that I needed him at that moment...you see, for over a year I had pictured a baby in all of Lyla's next birthday pictures...our baby. Lyla's little cousin Lucian now also shares her special day, as my sister-in-law and brother welcomed their first child on that September day. Lyla decided to release a balloon after her party in hopes that it would reach her brother in Heaven. A sliver of happy news also made its way into our lives in this month.
 We were 5 months closer to seeing our son again.

Our annual vacation occurred at the beginning of October, in which we flew to California to spend time with great friends. It was a much enjoyed, much needed vacation. We traveled to Lake Tahoe and Calaveras State Park among other adventures. We enjoyed everything down to the plane rides.
Lyla had her first fall break from school, and was more than ready to return before it was even over. I somehow managed to pass two of my four needed tests that are needed in order to gain a teaching certification for the state of TN and even put myself on the substitute list for Lyla's school...oh my, I was stepping out.  Lyla decided to be a blue butterfly ballerina for Halloween and I reluctantly thought back to the cute puppy dog costume that had been waiting for our boy. Wyatt should have been celebrating his half birthday.

November brought about a big lump in my throat. How was I suppose to handle the holidays without my boy? He was suppose to have been here...maybe even trying a little bite of that delicious turkey! We spent Thanksgiving in Ky with family eating meal, after meal, after meal. I often pictured Wyatt at the family gatherings, and forced myself to hold back the rushing waters. All in all, November was an okay month. I began to sub more and met some very kind people along the way. I took Lyla to her first birthday party for a friend from school; she was ecstatic. Waylon plucked two angel tree tags from a lowly tree and we purchased Christmas presents for a boy and girl who otherwise wouldn't have had a gift to open. Our boy had been gone for 7 months.

In December, I passed my remaining two certification tests, and gained my license to teach in TN (finally).  I created a Christmas card to send out to the masses with the fear of leaving out our boy, so I included a picture of big sister and the pinwheel. That'll have to do. I reluctantly put up Christmas decorations and began to buy gifts in preparation for the soon approaching holiday. My hand wanted ever so badly to write "To: Wyatt" on a gift, just one gift. I forced myself to get into the holiday spirit, and Lyla helped me with that; she requested an Elf on the Shelf. To see her pure excitement each morning in December was enough to keep my smile plastered on my face for hours. We traveled to Ky for the holiday and spent it with family and friends. I was amazed by how much Wyatt was remembered throughout the festivities. My heart hurt, but felt pride all at the same time...I'm getting quite use to this feeling. We were greeted with a little snow the day after Christmas and had a fun time sledding on the farm. Our five year old princess lost her first tooth and seems all to eager to grow up. Wyatt should have woken up on Christmas day as a vivacious 8 month old.

As at least one tear has leaked from my eye everyday for the passed 251 days.

With that said, I can't count the number of smiles that have spread across my face this year.

It would feel wrong to say that 2012 was the worst year ever...I had a beautiful baby boy, spent another year married to my love, watched my baby girl grow into a little lady, and made lots of GOOD memories along with the bad.

I have been wounded and pushed down, but I have also gained strength and knowledge.

I have been shown love and compassion throughout this year in many expected and unexpected forms. So, it seems only right that my new year's resolution should be a simple one: pay it forward. I will strive to be kind to all and to spread hope, even when my hope is dimmed. I have learned that you simply never know what another person is going through and a kind gesture may change their entire day...if not life.

So I will leave my last blog post of this year with this: 2012, you were definitely not MY year,but you were another year in which my story has continued to be written, and for that, I am thankful.  I am excited (and nervous) to see what 2013 will have to add to that story.

P.S. please tell 2013 to be kind