But, truthfully, it isn't because I think of my Wyatt any less... or miss him less...or cry any less. The cold truth is that there is nothing new to say, nothing extravagant to report. And that is hard.
We still miss him.
We still wish this hadn't happened to OUR baby boy; to our family.
We still wish he were here, with us.
The what ifs kill me sometimes. What if he were here? What would his personality be like at 20 months old? Would he be into Mickey Mouse or Cars? Would he sit still long enough for me to torture him with pictures like I do his sisters? How would he handle being the only boy sandwiched between 2 girls? oh the questions that will always linger... and will always remain unanswered.
HOW is this fair?
HA!
My grief for Wyatt is manageable now; I sometimes read back on my first blog posts and think, "Wow, I was broken...I was hurting...and I still can't believe this happened to ME!" The sneaky feeling of anxiety still creeps up on me sometimes, like at family holiday gatherings, or new places around new people who don't know me or our story. I'm always afraid that I'll be somehow forced to choose between including or not including our 2nd child whether it be in traditions or conversations. It's not that easy, folks. Time doesn't HEAL anything. It may dim the intensity, but it sure as hell doesn't have a magic wand to wish away my sorrows.
My fear now is that my other children will pick up on their anxious mother's habits. I want them to remember a childhood full of laughter, fun, traditions, lessons learned, loads of hugs, kisses, and snuggles, and never ending love...NOT a mother who has to take deep breaths to calm her nerves or could very well drown in her own tears when she is told by that complete stranger that all she needs now is a boy. You're right, dear sir, I do need my boy.
But don't fret, yet, my dear readers, for our daughters will know all about their brother. They are having that childhood that I have dreamed up for them. And they have a momma and daddy who love each other and them with all of our beings.
We are human. We have deep emotions. We got this.
Life is rough on a mom without her sweet boy. That's all.
It always will be.
