My Dear Wyatt- It's been a year

My Dear Wyatt-

I often wonder what your life in Heaven is like. Are you wearing a brilliant white gown and do your bare feet tickle as they touch the soft clouds? Do you hear the angels singing and do you greet new babies as they enter? Do you frolic in the gardens, holding hands with Grandma or does she rock you constantly as she tells you about the love we have for you?  Can you hear me when I talk to you and tell you that I miss you? Can you see me as a tear falls down and gets caught on the corner of my smile as I think of you, my beautiful son? I wonder...

It was one year ago that we realized you would not be staying with our family to live on this Earth. It was one year ago that we weren't given the choice to have to say goodbye before we truly even had the chance to say hello. It was one year ago that our hearts were broken because our arms were empty. It was one year ago that we had to tell your eager big sister that she would never meet you...until she got to Heaven. It was one year ago that we had to learn to walk, talk, and breathe again...in a whole different world; a world without you.

Mommy truly can't believe that it has been 12 months since I held your precious body, kissed your plump cheeks, and smelled your sweet baby smell. I miss you, my son.

Until you entered our world, although lifeless you may have been, I'm not sure I truly understood what honest, pure, and unconditional love was. Don't get me wrong, I loved (still do) certain people with a never ending and selfless love, but those people were able to reciprocate my feelings and to show their appreciation of my love for them. When you came along, I realized that I loved a being that would never open his eyes to see me, who would never grasp my finger with his little hands, who would never utter a single sound, and who would be physically gone in the blink of an eye. That little being was you, Wyatt.

I owe many thanks to you, little buddy, for opening Mommy's eyes up to a world of faith and love not known before your presence.

I just wanted to let you know that Mommy loves you more and more with each new day...and with each new day the closer I become to holding you again...oh what a perfect day that will be. Until then- continue to send us kisses on butterfly wings and hugs through the breeze.

 love you to Heaven and back,

Mommy

Wyatt Bear

"An Angel Baby's Cuddle Sent To A Family In Need"- Molly Bears

Many of you may remember the mention of the Molly Bears foundation in one of my previous posts (Party Planning). If not, allow me to refresh your memory or inform you about this magnificent foundation. The creator of Molly Bears lost her baby girl, Molly, at 34 weeks gestation due to a true knot in the cord. The foundation strives to create a weighted teddy bear (to the exact weight of the lost child) for each family who have been faced with such horrible circumstances.

 I was finally able to place our baby's name on the waiting list for a weighted teddy bear back in February...the foundation only allows so many names to be added each month as they can only make so many bears per month due to the fact that they are a complete nonprofit organization and run solely on donations. I was number 6025 on the waiting list; it would have taken 16-20 months for me to ever receive my bear. The Molly Bears' team realized that simple donations were not enough to keep up with the demand of production (how sad is it that so many babies are lost so often??) so they began to offer "express passes." The express passes require a donation of $100 and guarantees your bear to be made and delivered within the next month. All families in need of a bear are not able to afford the large donation, obviously, but it takes approximately $45 to make and ship just one bear. The $100 donation would not only provide us with our Wyatt bear at a much faster rate, but it would also allow another bear to be made and shipped from the top of the waiting list. So, of course, we made the donation...

I am thrilled to say that our Wyatt bear has made his way to our home and into our hearts.

I was aware that the bear would be arriving soon, and with that known, I tried to prep myself for the emotions that may or may not come with seeing, touching, and holding the bear....it was going to weigh the exact same as my Wyatt. How would that make me feel? Happy? Sad? Excited? Devastated all over again? I wasn't sure, but I don't like the feeling of not knowing, so I progressed on anxiously awaiting Wyatt Bear's arrival.

A simple priority mail box was sitting there, staring me in the face. I saw the Molly Bears sticker on the sender spot and rubbed the smooth surface with the palm of my shaking hand. I had planned on waiting for Waylon to get home from work to open the box, but I just couldn't stand it. I called him and he insisted that I open it while on the phone with him. I gently slid a pair of scissors across the box, releasing the secured edges from their tape.  I peeled back the flaps of the box to reveal a gorgeously fluffy and brown furred teddy bear laying on it's side. I found it hard to breath. Through my crackled voice I began to describe the bear to Waylon...It was a rich brown color (like our Wyatt's hair), It had a blue and red bow tie and a blue button heart over where its heart should be, and the bear had a wonderfully thoughtful applique of an airplane right in the center of its precious belly. It was perfect. I cautiously reached into the box, momentarily forgetting how heavy 7 pounds, 6 ounces could really be, and grabbed the bear, immediately cuddling it close to me. Waylon was still on the phone asking me if I liked it...of course I liked it..I loved it.

We ended our phone call and I retreated back into our bedroom with Wyatt Bear in tow. I sat on the bed and began to gently rock the precious stuffed animal back and forth while tears ran relentlessly down my shivering cheeks. It was a strange feeling of comfort, yet déjà vu all rolled into one. I yearned to be holding my real little boy, but was proud to have something so valuable to my healing in my arms.

Waylon and Lyla met Wyatt Bear that very afternoon upon arriving home from work and school. Waylon was holding the bear silently, after proclaiming that the bear felt the exact same as Wyatt had, when the little princess made her way into the room, and in one sudden and flawless move, scooped the bear from her daddy and ran off into the other room with her new best pal.

Lyla has continued to lug around the bear from room to room as she reads to it, rocks it, and simply holds on tight to it while watching one of her favorite shows. Wyatt bear has made his place in our home, and we are thrilled to share him with others.