Day 15

I woke up in the middle of last night after an extremely weird dream. Bare with me now, because I'm going to try to explain it.

Picture a heart..a real heart, with the chambers, arteries, valves, and blood pumping through it. It was HUGE, and of course, bright red. It was all alone in total darkness.  It was MY heart. There were interesting things that I noticed about the heart in my dream. There were tiny scratches all over it, huge gaping wounds on the top, and parts that had appeared to be "patched up."

Okay, onto the weird (er) part...there were at least twenty people on scaffolding working on the giant heart. They were taping, gluing, hammering, sewing, and painting my heart. I could not see or recognize any of the workers faces, but I could FEEL various emotions as each injury was being worked on. I remember noticing that other defects were forming just as one would become "healed."

That was it. I woke up. I was unsure of how to feel about the dream, so I lay awake trying to contemplate the meaning behind it.

I'm sure some of you all have already formed your own opinions about my bizarre reverie. But here's mine:

The tiny scratches represent small events in my life that have left a mark on my heart, like moving and leaving friends and family behind, being set back involving self goals, or having my feelings hurt by someone I care about. The gaping wounds, to me, represent the damage that has been done to my heart since loosing my precious Wyatt. The patched up areas made me believe that those are the things in which I have forgicen others for causing. And, of course, the constantly occuring marks are everyday battles in which I face in this confusing world.

As you can guess, I believe that the "workers" in my dream were friends and family members who love me and are constantly trying to help me to heal. I noticed that no one was working on the big gaping wounds, however, and I'm not sure why. Maybe they will always be there? Maybe no one knows exactly where to start? Maybe the workers are afraid to "make matters worse" by touching the big sores?

I don't have all of the answers, but I do know this: those who have shown genuine compassion and love to me over the course of the past 6 months (and before) are definitely helping my heart to continue to pump adequately, allowing me to continue to live. I have been shown that many times, and I was shown it in its full glory last night. Last night was day 15 of a photography/grief project that I am taking part in. Across the globe, friends and family lit candles in remembrance of Wyatt and other angel babies that have left us all too soon. I was expecting a few family members to join me and possibly close friends. The response was overwhelming, and most didn't even have a prompt. Now, I am sure that some just "jumped on the bandwagon," but I'll give all the benefit of the doubt on this one.  Selfless and caring acts such as those are what bring smiles to my face and place a bandage on my ever-bleeding heart.

So, I say, thank you. Thank you for Day 15.

The Club

There is this exclusive club. Not just anyone is a member. The membership fees are extremely high and it's a lifetime commitment. Most people will never even know about this club... and members wish they were never considered a part of it.

 

The club consists of people of every race, gender, religious group, and culture. This club doesn't believe in discrimination. This club welcomes new members daily with open arms.

 

I am a member of this club. Some of you reading this are also members. Others may be thinking, " Why wasn't I invited? I want to be a part of the secret society!" I promise that you don't.

 

In order to gain admittance into the club you must pay a hefty price...the life of your child.

 

Once you become a member you are given a very distinct pair of shoes to wear. You can never take them off...it's not a choice. They are ugly shoes. Everyone either stares at the shoes or makes an effort never to look at the shoes. I found a poem that describes the shoes you get upon entering the elite group...I couldn't have said it better myself.


THESE SHOES

I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.        

        

Capture Your Grief- 2012

October is pregnancy/infant loss awareness month.

I have chosen to take part in a photography project throughout the month of October. My goal will be to follow a list of subjects provided on the following link and to capture my grief through photographs using the guidleines on the website.  http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html

I hope to be able to update for each day of October and fill in this post as I go, however, if I fall a few days behind, no worries, I will catch up. :)

I am praying that this project will be another healing outlet for me as it provides another glimpse for all of my readers into my heartbreak. This is for you, my sweet Wyatt.

Day 1: Sunrise

This beautiful photo was captured outside of my brother and sister-in-law's house in Jackson, TN.

I will forever treasure every single sunrise that I am able to witness because my baby boy never had the chance to see the sun come up with it's brilliant shades of color or to feel the warmth on his precious skin.

 

Day 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

This photo represents innocence to me. I was 36 weeks pregnant with our baby boy. We were fully expecting to have our perfect little family in less than 1 month from when this was taken. When I look at this picture I see a naive woman whose biggest concern at the time were her swollen feet and face. This photo projects happiness...happiness before there was any knowledge of the severe grief that would soon enter our lives. If I could go back in time....

 

Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

 

Taken just over two weeks after our son grew his angel wings, and only five months ago from today, this picture was just the beginning of my life after loss. It was Mother's Day, and as you can see I was celebrating with my little girl. But a few things were missing: my genuine smile, true joy in my eyes, happiness in my heart, and a baby boy in my arms.



 

 

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

This particular day was a difficult one for me...I found it hard to choose 1 most treasured item, and the one thing I treasure the most is not tangible. The nine months that I spent as a happy expectant mother with her growing and active baby boy inside her womb is my biggest treasure. He was alive. He was well. Now, onto the reality of it all...the nurses at the hospital were kind enough to make me a very sweet memory book which contained numerous pictures, his foot prints, and my favorite, a lock of his sweet hair. THAT is my most treasured touchable thing.

 

Day 5: Memorial

After our loss many things were done in memory of our sweet boy. A friend bought and named a star for our little man, my aunt requested that a US flag be flown over the capital in honor of Wyatt, pinwheels were proudly displayed at the homes of friends and family members to symbolize their thoughts of our son, a tattoo with his name and the plane that was on his one and only piece of clothing was placed on my ankle, trees and plants were planted, shadow boxes were made, and then, of course, we had a stone set at the place of his forever bed. Wyatt receives many visitors at his memorial place and I'm so glad that he is where he is, although I would love so much to be closer to him.

 

 Day 6: What NOT to say

This response irks me to the bone. I can't fully explain it, and no, I have never been a believer in this statement. I feel as though it places some sort of blame on the people involved..like "oh, sorry, but you must've done something wrong, because there's a reason for everything." Um, no. Even if there is indeed a reason for the way that everything happens, the statement itself is not in the least bit comforting, neither are the following statements: "God needed another angel," "He was too perfect for this earth," " You are young, you can have more children," or " I can't even imagine if that happened to MY baby." Let's flip this around and pretend those things were said to you after you had just given birth to a lifeless baby and buried him before his first breathe. Would they help you to heal? Or simply make you mad? I think that that is a rhetorical question.

Day 7: What TO say

I realize that the above picture may a bit difficult to read, so I shall decipher it for you. Be real. Don't try to sugar coat or come up with the "right" words for the situation...there are none. Raw emotions mean more than cliche and forced responses. Tell me that you are sorry. Tell me that you miss him too. Tell me that I should be proud of BOTH of my children. Say his name...we didn't give him a name never to hear it spoken again. Lastly, don't be afraid to talk about him. You will not make me uncomfortable or any more sad than I already am. My responses might make you uncomfortable, but that is not my intention. I want to be honest and honor my baby in all of my words and actions...so if you aren't ready for the truth just offer a hug.

 

Day 8: Jewelry

Those who bought the above jewelry (and some that are not pictured) know me all to well. It was the perfect gesture to help me in my efforts to keep my son close and honor his life. I LOVE when people ask me about my jewelry, because it gives me a chance to talk about my boy.

Day 9: Special Place

I chose to list my "special place" as not an actual place, put a thing. My journal. When I write in my journal (and this is my Wyatt journal...Lyla has her own journal that I write in frequently) I am indeed in my very own special place...a place where no one can judge me for the thoughts and feelings that I may be having on that particular day....a place where I can imagine and dream of what life would be like if Wyatt were still here...and a place where I can look back on pasts entries to see how far I have come in six months. My journal is my own private, special place where I often find refuge in my own pen strokes.

 

Day 10: Symbol

 

Video of Wyatt singing along with Mommy through the pinwheel

 

Airplanes, butterflies, rainbows, pennies, and the wind (often felt and seen through pinwheels) are all symbols that remind me of our son. Singing or talking to the pinwheels allow me to feel as though I am communicating with my baby. It makes my heart feel like one giant ball of happiness and heartache when I see the pinwheel moving in response to my presence or voice.

 

Day 11: Supportive Family/Friends

To say we've been overwhelmed with supportive friends, family, and even strangers since our loss would be an understatement. Above is a picture of SOME of the cards we've received, along with a list of people who brought food to the funeral dinner, and the "guest book" from Wyatt's service. So much support. So much love.

 

Day 12: Scents

The blankie that is visible in all of Wyatt's pictures stays on my nightstand. I held it and rubbed it during his funeral because it reminded me of his soft hair. It also smelled like him. The scent is slowly fading, but I must make myself remember because I can still smell that sweet smell when I bury my face into the blankie.

 

Day 13: Signs

Rainbows have been painted in the sky on days that I've most needed to feel relief from grief( like Mother's Day). Butterflies have landed, and stayed for quite a while, on me which have often left me with a feeling of calmness and happiness. But the sign I'll use for this day is blunt and can't be ignored. My cousin captured this picture on the day of my daughter's birthday a we were driving around relentlessly trying to find helium for her balloons. Wyatt always knows when momma needs him the most.

 

Day 14: Community

I have received nothing but caring responses from those in the child loss community. I am in the process of creating an event to honor our Wyatt, but he was honored recently at an event for a sweet little angel baby girl named Ava. Ava's mommy was kind enough to include Wyatt in her event. What a sweet gesture.

 

Day 15: Wave of Light

 

The candle that we chose to light was given to us at Wyatt's funeral. On my husband's night stand sits a picture of our angel baby and one of his baby sister, Jennifer, whom he never got to meet. Our daughter actually lit our candle and we had quite the emotional night as people from all around lit candles in remembrance of our little guy. Our hearts were filled with sadness at all of the little ones taken all too soon from this world. We were also filled with pride when we think of the amount of lives that our little guy is affecting...and he's doing it all from Heaven.

Day 16: Release

The day of our son's funeral our daughter sent him a balloon to heaven. She also decided he need one on the day of her birthday. My sweet girl loves her brother.

Day 17: Anniversary/birthday/due date

Wyatt was born on April 25, 2012. His due date was May 9, 2012. We have yet to reach a yearly anniversary, but plan on a cemetery celebration on the spring for our boy.

Day 18: Family Portrait

Sadly, I will never have a picture of our whole family together. The top picture is at our daughters' fifth birthday party, and the bottom is the day we said hello and goodbye to our son.

Day 19: Project

My project is more of a challenge. I started a penny jar challenge on my blog that many family, friends, and even strangers have taken on. Read more about it here...http://kdforgey.blogspot.com/2012/07/penny-jar.html?m=0

Day 20: Charity/Organization

While, I was not fortunate enough to take advantage of this organization myself, I give realized that the pictures the hospital took are most most prized possessions. I support this organization and hope to donate to its wonderful, though saddening cause.

Day 21: Altar/Shrine/Sacred Place

Our memorial garden houses stones, plants, etc that were given to us after the loss of our son. We made the garden in the shape of a butterfly and it is visible from any of the front rooms of our house. A place all his own.

Day 22: Place of Care/Birth

Gateway in Clarksville, tn was the one and only place that I held my son. I had two of the best nurses imaginable, and the entire hospital was pretty accommodating to our family.

Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

Wyatt Michael
Born sleeping at 38 weeks
7 lbs 6ounces, 21&3/4 inches
Love you to heaven and back

Day 24: Siblings