Thursday, May 31, 2012

Our Story (1)- The beautiful beginning

After much thought on where exactly to start, I have decided to take it back to the beginning of what started out as a dream that inevitably turned into a nightmare.

Upon moving from SC to TN in the summer of 2011 we were excited to find out in September that we were expecting baby #2. We immediately shared our good news with family and friends. Everyone was thrilled, and frankly had been expecting us to add to our family for quite sometime seeing as to though our daughter was almost 4. Lyla was thrilled, but full of questions; she was sure to be the best big sister ever. From the very beginning Lyla had expressed feelings for wanting a baby brother, although Waylon and I were almost certain that we were destined to have only girls.


The doctor's visits began. At my first visit the ultrasound revealed that our baby was 6 weeks and 1 day (gestational age). Waylon and I heard the most wonderful sound, our baby's heartbeat, in October 2011 for the first time. Life was perfect. The following months were full of anticipation. Anticipation for upcoming doctor's visits, buying and moving into a new home,  completion of my BA (finally), and of course, the holiday season. In December we had our anatomy ultrasound and were ecstatic to find out we were expecting a healthy baby BOY!! I remember seeing Waylon's eyes light up with joy, not only in the revelation of the sex of the baby, but I could feel his prayers for a healthy baby being answered as we watched our little guy flip and squirm on the screen. We kept the gender a secret for a few short days and delivered the news to family and friends via a gender reveal cake at my graduation party. Blue icing was exposed once the cake was cut and the room erupted with screams of joy and laughter. Wyatt Michael was the chosen name. The middle name chosen to match his daddy's, his uncle Darren's, and his Paw Paw's. Life was good. No, it was more than good.



The holidays came and went and the doctor's visits continued right on schedule without any issues. The pregnancy was flawless. After my graduation, we decided it best for me to stay home with Lyla for the remainder of the pregnancy. We filled our days with reading books, playing games, taking naps, and shopping and preparing for baby brother. We decided to reuse Lyla's baby furniture and decorate with a vintage airplane theme for our sweet boy's nursery. Waylon worked hard in preparing the nursery after his long days at work with all of the items that Lyla and I had bought during our many shopping trips.



Around the 28th week of my pregnancy, we decided to have a 3D/4D ultrasound session done. I am so glad that we did that now. We have a 20 minute video of our little guy swimming, yawning, smiling, rubbing his eyes, sucking his thumb, kicking, punching, and opening his little eyes inside the womb. That video is priceless now. Speaking of movements, Wyatt moved constantly; so much more than his big sister did. I was able to feel him move for the first time around my 17th week, and Waylon got to feel him move for the first time on my birthday. Wyatt also moved in response to Waylon's voice, especially when reading the bible; our little boy admired his daddy already. Big sister Lyla was known for grabbing my big belly, rubbing her nose on it, and saying in the cutest voice, " Who's a good brother?" It was so sweet it could give you cavities. :)




A wonderful and thoughtful baby "sprinkle" was given in honor of Wyatt around my 32nd week of pregnancy. My sister, sister-in-law, and aunts did a fabulous job in preparing for and hosting a sweet, airplane themed party to help us prepare for Mr. Wyatt's upcoming arrival. Many much needed items were given to us and within 2 weeks, the nursery was completely ready for our little boy.




Week 36 began the start of my weekly doctor's visits. Eagerness for the end of the pregnancy and the beginning of life with our baby boy was evident in each of us in the house. I had been in full-nesting mode and the house was fully prepared for bringing home a newborn. Lyla's clothes were set out and arrangements for her care had been made. Hospital bags were packed and in the truck. Excitement for Wyatt's arrival continued to build as each day passed and each movement was felt. By 37 weeks I had dilated to 2 cm and had noticed Wyatt's decent into position for delivery. The light was becoming brighter at the end of the tunnel and the readiness level to meet our baby boy was high! The waiting games began. Although we were getting a bit antsy, nothing could have prepared us for the upcoming events of the next week. Life was simply just too perfect.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Flashes

These are memories that flashed in my mind when I decided to start writing about our loss.

  • September
  • 2 lines= pregnant
  • 2nd child
  • excitement
  • first kicks
  • gender reveal- ITS A BOY!!!
  • Daddy felt first kick- on mommy's birthday
  • Little brother/Big sister
  • vintage airplane nursery
  • such a mover
  • 3D-4D ultrasound
  • Braxton Hicks
  • pressure
  • dilated 2 cm- 37 weeks
  • hospital bags ready
  • 38 weeks
  • less movement
  • routine doctor's visit
  • excitement
  • nervous
  • waiting room
  • examining room
  • fetal doppler
  • silence
  • MY heart racing
  • doctor & nurse
  • sonogram
  • silence
  • expression of fear and disappointment on doctor's face
  • my screams
  • NO!
  • Waylon
  • pain & heartbreak
  • NO!
  • Please save him!
  • silence (except for my screams and cries)
  • NO NO NO!!
  • calls
  • choices
  • family
  • wheelchair
  • babies crying
  • long hallway
  • leaf with raindrop on door
  • nurse Tobi
  • induction
  • praying
  • 14 hours
  • nurse Sherry
  • April 25, 2012
  • baby Wyatt
  • silence
  • tears, love, emptiness, confusion
  • perfect baby boy
  • our son
  • 7 pounds, 6 ounces, 21 &3/4 inches long
  • Wyatt Michael
  • priest and praying
  • 4 hours spent with our angel
  • sharing him with family
  • peace
  • heartbreak
  • "See you later, sweet boy"

Disclaimer and Title

When I started this BLOG I was on a mission. A mission to be the voice for our son and many other babies who are taken all too soon from us. I want it to be known that although he never took a breath of our air, he was alive. He was alive inside the hearts of my husband and me even before the positive pregnancy test. He was alive inside of my womb for 38 weeks. And he will be alive inside of our hearts and souls forevermore. I want it to be known that although death, especially infant death, is a taboo subject, I will not stop talking about it. My posts will not be sugar-coated or filtered to make anyone "comfortable". My comfort level has increased dramatically (without my permission), and will only help me to relate to others more often. You see, I am full of a lot of emotions currently, but embarrassment is not one of them. I am no different than any other mother of a newborn in the fact that I am proud of the little boy that was born five weeks ago today.  I would show Wyatt's pictures to the world, but the WORLD is not ready;I have already found that out. He was perfect with all his tiny features; he appeared to be sleeping peacefully and was absolutely BEAUTIFUL!  I am saddened that most people are scared to talk about my baby or our situation for fear that it might "rub off" on them or their perfect lives. I was there once. I was one of those people who think something so tragic could never happen to me. Wrong. My intentions are not to scare anyone, but to merely share my son with the world, in the only way that I can because what we remember lives on. I hope that my BLOG encourages others to research and educate themselves on pregnancy and infant loss, but also that that knowledge is only superficial and may never have to be put to use. With that said, there is an abundance of information out there that will assist the friends and family of bereaved parents and siblings as well. " The function of friends is to be the sounding board for grief."

The title for this BLOG came from the tiny gray book that was handed to us in the hospital. "A guide for parents whose child dies before birth, at birth, or shortly after birth." I scoffed at the book when I first saw it, and thought to myself, "This can't be happening, I will NOT need that book." The book contains some very interesting and real truths about the subject, that unfortunately now, my husband and I can relate to.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What if


What if you found out you were pregnant?
Excitement
What if you made it to the "safety zone" of the second trimester?
Liberation
What if you found out it was a beautiful baby boy to add to your family?
Joy
What if you made it past 25 weeks and the odds of having your baby and he surviving were great?
Relief
What if his ultrasound showed a healthy happy baby?
elation
What if he moved so much you knew you were never alone?
Special
What if you made it "full term"?
Safe
What if a routine doctor’s visit turned into your worst nightmare?
Heartbreak
What if you had to stare into your husband’s eyes as he realized his son was not meant for this earthly life?
Gut wrenching
What if you had to deliver a silent baby?
Traumatic
What if you got to hold him, and rock him, and kiss him, and sing to him?
Peaceful
What if you had to hand him over, never to be taken home?
Piercing
What if you had to return to a home prepared intently for a baby with no baby?
dreadful
What if you had to tell your daughter that Jesus wanted her little brother with him?
Heartbreaking
What if you had to buy a 24 inch casket for your own son?
Unacceptable
What if you had to bury your sweet boy before he even had the chance to look into your eyes?
Excruciating
What if taking care of your newborn means tending to a grave in a cemetery?
Unreal
What if you just had a baby but no one asks about him?
Brutal
What if you have to say hello and goodnight to your baby through prayers?
Helpless
What if the only tangible part of your baby that you have is a lock of hair?
 Strangely Comforting
What if you cry into his blankie each night with tears of confusion and longing?
Unfair
What if you long to wake up at all hours of the night and care for your baby?
Disappointed
What if the only way you can feel your boy is through the wind or in your dreams?
Jealous
What if the world continues on while you are still grieving your sweet baby?
Angry
What if the only way you can carry your baby is in your heart and mind?
Unsatisfying

He was mine.
He was mine for a little while.

Silence

The waiting room
Silence
The sound I last remember on the fetal Doppler
Silence
My screams and cries for him to be saved and spared
Silence
The doctor as she rushed to start an ultrasound
Silence
Nurses as they wheeled me to the maternity floor
Silence
Family members on the other line as we called to deliver the news
Silence
The staff at the hospital eyeing me knowingly
Silence
My baby boy was born
Silence
3 am feedings and cries to be held?
Silence
As the princess naps
Silence
Toys, giggles, coos, and cries should fill the air
Silence
A mother of two should NEVER have a silent home.
I hate silence.